Second Time Parenting - Advice from the Experts!
Average Read Time: 5-6 minutes
Expecting your second child can be such a different experience from your first. One of the biggest changes? You already have a kiddo to take care of!
I interviewed three friends/clients of mine to gather advice about parenting two kids. To keep them and their children anonymous, I’ll call them parent #1, parent #2 and parent #3.
Parent #1 - Lives in a small town in a rural area, her two kids are 1 year and 3 years old.
Parent #2 - Lives in a major US city, her two kids are 17 months and 4 years old.
Parent #3 - Lives in a major US city, her two kids are 6 years old and 3 years old.
Q: What has been the best part of having two kids so far?
Parent #1: Oh my gosh, watching my two kids interact with each other has been so fun to witness. When our oldest, J wakes up the first thing she says these days is “where’s sissy?” She loves to give her a morning kiss. It’s certainly not that sweet all the time, but the times I get to see them laugh together brings me so much joy.
Parent #2: My kids love eachother so much. Without our prompting our older boy quickly started to say that he loves his "shellbaby" after she was born. They now play with one another, make each other laugh, and drive eachother absolutely nuts.
Parent #3: For me, it’s watching them play together and how they love each other. When they make each other laugh. How they take care of each other. When one of them is sad, the other one gives them a hug. Things like that, it just melts my heart.
Q: What was something that came as a surprise after your second child was born?
Parent #1: I tried my best to prepare for the shift from one to two, but I was surprised by how much I missed my first baby in those early days and weeks. I missed putting my daughter to bed at night while I was busy with our new baby. It was hard to all of a sudden split my time in a way that was way more focused on our newborn. I missed my time with my 2 year old a lot.
Parent #2: I had so much less anxiety than with my first. I knew I could keep a baby alive, and it gave me confidence that I could do it again. I can't remember almost anything from either of my post partum period, but it went a lot smoother.
Parent #3: I was surprised that I did not fee as strong of emotions, the strong feeling of attachment to Q as I did to L and it took me awhile to come to terms with that. Something I felt guilt about was “Why don’t I fee as attached as I did to L?” and of course, if you kind of think about it, you’re like, well, when I had L, all my attention was on her, and nothing else was grasping for my attention, and it was this life-changing event. I went from not being a parent to being a parent. Not being a mom to being a mom. And then, when Q was born, I had this other creature that was constantly vying for my attnetion all the time and needing me. Q was very unassuming. The baby doesn’t demand much from you, and so L would always take over my attention and my care. I had three years of attachment building with her compared to the, say, two weeks with Q at that point in time. So it’s of course natural and normal to think about that. You’re not going to feel the same towards each child, and during that phase I was surprised at how long it took for that to feel more equal. I think it took like a year before I really felt attached to Q.
Q: What was the most helpful thing during the postpartum period after the birth of your second child?
Parent #1: Freezer meals and rest, as well as protecting our time together as a new family of four. The second time around it felt easier for me to advocate for myself by telling visitors to wait, having meals already made so we didn’t have to plan dinner, and giving myself time/space to rest my body.
Parent #2: The first time I wanted privacy once we got home. With my 2nd, I asked my mom to stay with us and gave her one goal: feed us 3 times a day without asking for any input. She understood that her goal was to care for me and play with our older kid. We also had prepared bulk meals before birth, and it was nice to have like a rotation of like 5 dishes.
Parent #3: The most helpful thing was that my first child, L, was in daycare and that I at least did have some time everyday where I could just be with Q and give him more of that attention that I mentioned above and bond more with him. I didn’t have to take care of two kids, just one during that time.
Q: Are there any books, games, tools, conversation starters, websites, etc. that helped prepare your first child for their sibling?
Parent #1: Our first child turned two several weeks after our second baby was born, so she didn’t truly understand what it meant to be a big sibling. It felt helpful to read “big sibling” books and talk about the new baby a lot before she arrived.
- This parent recommended “I am a Big Sister” by Caroline Jayne Church.
Parent #2: We did very little. Only started talking about it a month before baby was born. He got excited quickly but at 2.5 didnt have a super clear image of what was going to happen.
Parent #3: You know, we didn’t. We didn’t do any of those tools. We just talked to her, let her know there was a baby coming and followed her lead with her questions. We tried to set expectations, like “baby won’t be able to play with you in the beginning, but eventually he will.”
Q: What's been the most challenging thing about having two kids?
Parent #1: Time. Time in so many ways. Time with my kids, time one-on-one with each of my kids. Time for myself. Time with my partner. I’m just busier having two kids now and so finding the time that I feel like I need or want to do something is challenging.
Parent #2: When we got pregnant again, my son had just started to get easier and I had free time again. My daughter is at that same age, but with 2 there is no down time.
Parent #3: I think there’s two things that are challenging. One is trying to figure out how to help them interact with eachother when their interactions are difficult or when they’re fighting. When they don’t want to share or when they’re jealous of each other. Trying to figure out what’s the best way to parent in those moments? Letting them figure it out on their own, having more interventions or my specific interventions. Was it actually helping or hurting? The other challenging thing is just that there’s twice as much stuff to do. Two kids at drop off, two kids to feed; there’s just a little bit more to-dos and work. Two kids to figure out appointments to doctor’s offices or to get clothes or go to a birthday.
Q: If you could give one piece of advice to people planning for their second child, what would it be?
Parent #1: The best thing someone told me after having my second is that her experience is going to be different than her sister’s no matter what, but she gets the bonus of having a big sister. So, when I worry about how different feeding might look, or the amount of one-on-one attention we give her, or the activities we plan, I remind myself she might get “less” in some areas but she gets so much more from being a younger sibling too. She gets more experienced parents. She’s get a big sister to play with her, love on her, and even take her toys from her haha. She’ll be better at sharing from it, I’m sure. I guess the advice I would give is this: remember it’s going to be different the second time around and that is okay. That’s even great.
Parent #2: Do it! It is fun! Wait to potty train.
Parent #3: My advice would be don’t compare. It’s OK for things to be different with the second child than they were with the first. It’s a different time, You’re a different person. It’s a different family - The second is born into a different family than the first was born into. And differnet doesn’t mean worse and it doesn’t mean better. Just accept and embrace that it’s going to be different. The way you interact with that child and what that child experiences is all different from what your first child is experiencing. And just because something was one way with kid number one, doens’t mean it’s going to be that way with kid number two. Just be open to that and accept that.
